Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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