Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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