i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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