Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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