you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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