Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
