you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
