I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
