Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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