I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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