Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
