Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
two words: eviction party
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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