he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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