update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
