i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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