i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
