i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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