This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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