She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
