saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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