So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ladies don't puke and tell
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
