maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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