Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My liver just broke up with me...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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