I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize