Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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