apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
