Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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