everyone is single if you try hard enough
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
