were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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