just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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