yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
