I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
