I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
