at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We left the knife in your bed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
