I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
