She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize