Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
