can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
