i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
