i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you didnt know i had herpes?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
