...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
