My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize