My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pants are for mortals
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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