Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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