Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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