somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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