I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
