If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
