I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
