At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
