I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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