I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
