I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
