you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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