Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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