We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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