The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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