You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
even my farts smell like vagina
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
