Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We are two peas in an std pod
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
