After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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