He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
These tits shall not be calmed
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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