I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
