God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We have so much sex to catch up on
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
